I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....
It is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances
I have learnt, in the last two and a half years, that it is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances - when everything you took for granted in your life and that you imagined was the basis of your happiness, is upended, threatened, even destroyed. What do you do when you can no longer live the perfect life that you thought you had? I have learnt that if you accept, and even embrace, change and let go of control (which is an illusion anyway!) that can become a source of tremendous freedom and that freedom, and the discovery that you can be happy and joyful when almost everything you knew has crashed and burned, makes me brave and unafraid of what lies ahead. While I would never have wished for what happened to happen (it crushed me and broke my heart), I understand that it is precisely because it happened that I am braver, stronger and yes, more joyful than I was before.
I get told how lucky I am
To others my life looks amazing, that I have it all. A healthy family, a hardworking husband, a home, nice things, financial freedom. I get told how lucky I am and I am lucky in many ways. The truth is that I am ungrateful. I expect more, I'm never satisfied. I am lazy. I stopped trying and started expecting everything to happen without putting in my part. I have driven my husband away and now he may want to divorce me.
I've finally realised the faults and issues about myself, I've realised why I've been that way, how I've allowed issues from my past to haunt me and cause me to destroy my own happiness. But have I realised this too late? And I've learned he has secrets too. Secrets that I may never know the full truth of. Secrets that rip my heart apart.
Despite my issues and his issues, I now know that there's nothing more in the world I want than to work it all out and find our happy place again, but it might be too late.
I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable
I thought that life was a fairytale. I had a tough childhood - we had no money - but I was a relatively happy child, with little care in the world.
I imagined myself in my perfect world and things always went my way - studies, scholarships, careers. However, one day, my husband cheated on me. My world came crumbling down. I have let myself get so absorbed in my reality that I didn't realise the truth. I realise life's imperfections and that they have been there all along. But now that I see that, I am immensely afraid that I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable.
It is a struggle to love myself and love life every day now.